March 5, 2009

In Search of a Better Canadian Prime Minister

With Harper threatening an election if the opposition don't let the Conservatives have their way with a shadowy 3 billion $ slush fund it's time to start dreaming about all the Canadian citizens (and some folks who could hopefully be persuaded to take out citizenship) that could be a better Prime Minister than current leader Stephen Harper. Let's face it, it would be difficult to do a worse job. At present the country has virtually no idea what to do to earn a buck other than sell off every last remaining natural resource within its borders (Canada, I love you dearly but the truth is harsh and oil, water, minerals etc. are finite!). So here's my list of suggested candidates for Prime Minister, in no particular order:

Ronald McDonald

I'm not certain if Ronald McDonald is actually a Canadian citizen but surely that's a technicality we could iron out by slipping him a passport (we should also get him a decent suit). McDonald's, unlike so many companies located in Canada, is still showing a very healthy profit. McDonald's is one of only two companies in the Dow Jones industrial average whose share price rose in 2008 (the other was Walmart). Also, McDonald's, unlike our Conservative federal government, don't appear to take issue with paying their female employees equal wages.

Elizabeth May

The Green Party leader was the clear winner of the national election debates in October when she tore into Harper's utter lack of concern for the environment, his disdain for our socialist style healthcare system and the fact that he seemed completely oblivious to looming economic woes. Let's recall for a moment (and groan) how Harper, during those debates, stated that Canadians weren't worried about their jobs. Elizabeth May has a handle on what Canadians want and that's not handing along the festering open sore that is the Alberta tar sands for future generations to clean up. It's not clinging to our dependence on fossils fuels up until the very last second that life as we currently know it becomes unliveable. May wants innovation, new ways for the country to earn its living. Also, unlike Ronald McDonald, she already has an appropriate wardrobe ready to go.

Rick Mercer

Speaking of wardrobe, who looks better in a suit than Canadian comedian Rick Mercer? Mercer's wicked sharp wit would skewer his opponents during Parliamentary question periods. He knows the issues, the players and all the angles and with the economy going down in flames we may as well go down howling with laughter.

 

 

Margaret Atwood

Canadian novelist and environmentalist Margaret Atwood is passionate about wildlife conservation. Her eloquence and intelligence are unrivalled. In addition, Atwood's talent for envisioning dystopia scenarios (The Handmaid's Tale and Oryx and Crake) could help us detect and navigate our way around potential real life science gone wrong and fundamentalist threats. Following the motto Offred discovers scratched in her cupboard in The Handmaid's Tale alone could take us far: Don't let the bastards grind you down.

Justin Trudeau

Our wonder boy of the future—Pierre Trudeau's eldest son—could be the wonder boy of today. Why wait? So what if he's still a little rough around the edges, it seems we could use a little raw dynamism at the moment. That soulless ultra bland I could beat a lie detector test before my morning coffee persona Harper wears isn't doing the nation any good. Get ready for your close-up, Justin!

 

My Super

I realize not many of you know him so you'll have to take my word for it but the superintendent of the building I've lived in for the past eight years doesn't threaten to call an election whenever he receives a complaint (or make an equivalent super gripe which I suppose would be something along the lines of, "Well, you just see if you can find another super who would do half as good a job!"). Everyone's problems are his problems. He may not be happy about having to deal with them but he does the best he can, as amiably as possible. He's transparent (unlike our current PM) about the building's issues, even when they're unpleasant, and accessible (unlike our current PM who has done all he can to keep Canadians in the dark, including keeping the press at as great a distance as possible). If you left Stephen Harper the keys to your apartment when you got home from vacation you'd likely find he'd sold it to the highest bidder. When cornered he would blame said sale on the nearest member of the Liberal party and proceed to solicit a donation to the Conservative party. With my super, there are no such concerns and with my super in charge of the nation, we would all be able to rest easy.

Barack Obama

We already know and love him and okay, I realize he already has a full-time gig as President of the United States but with just a tenth of their population how much tougher could it be for him to manage us too? If we could get him on our side we'd finally be able to stop fretting about the threat of American protectionism. Also, Barack is already pals with our Governor General Michaëlle Jean so heaven forbid (because we don't want to encourage this kind of behaviour!) he should ever need to prorogue Parliament MJ is bound to give him the thumbs up. One thing though, and this is a BIG one, Obama's support of same sex civil unions but not marriage would have to change. It's gotta be the full deal, Barack! If Stephen Harper (who is no ardent supporter of human rights) can be the PM for a country that recognizes the right of same-sex couples to marry, you should be able to get with the human rights program too.

Jim Cuddy and Greg Keelor (jointly)

These two Blue Rodeo frontmen have spent years travelling this great land of ours and have never shied away from social criticism. They've lent their musical talent to such causes as disarmament and the endangered West Coast rainforest and have spoken out in favour of native rights. They also know how to unload a couple albums (11 not including solo albums and greatest hits compilations!) and could help us figure out how to sell Canadian artists (and musicians, filmmakers, novelists etc.) and tourism to an international market. The country could use some clean $. Closing argument in their favour - the following lyrics from Love and Understanding:

“Many have tried In many ways All I see are longer rows of crosses on the Soldiers' graves So do what you have to And when it's all been said Love and understanding are the best answers I've heard yet”

Yeah, me too, guys. Ever think of getting into politics? And if not could you give Rick or Margaret a call?

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