Special
H1N1 Fighting Tactics
We've all heard common advice for eluding
the swine flu such as getting the vaccine and washing
your hands a zillion times a day but now I'm going to
share my secret tips with you in the hope that you remain
well and happy.
1. Buy yourself
some fun-size chocolate bars. It's Halloween
and they're everywhere. Chocolate makes many, many people
happy. You want to keep your immune system super happy
during flu season, don't you? Sure you do. I recommend
a 12 pack of Crispy Crunch (go on, they're tiny)
but whatever the twelve pack of your choice is will
work just as well.
2. From
now until when the swine flu epidemic is over, only
hang out with superheroes. With their
superhuman immune systems you won't have to worry about
them passing on germs to you. Unfortunately, this option
didn't work out so well for me as one of the superheroes
I was hanging out with was The Torch and there's now
been some fire damage to my apartment. The Hulk was
here at the time and got angry on my behalf and inadvertently
destroyed my bathroom. Thank God Wonder Woman and Batman
dropped by and helped get things back under control!
But I have to say, it was annoying the way Batman kept
staring out my window, searching the sky. I mean, hello,
are we hanging out or do you have something better to
do? Make up your mind, why don't you! Anyway, just be
cautious about which superheroes you choose to spend
your time with.
3. Get
yourself down to your local Blockbuster Video
while their
current 30% off sale is on and treat yourself to a previously
used copy of Wii game Escape From Bug island
for a grand total of $6.88 (price may vary according
to your regional taxes). Yes, it's a very early Wii
game and kind of wooden and cheesy but you get to battle
giant praying mantises, moths etc. Adrenaline, baby,
it's good for you. What more could you want for $6.88?
4.
Buy yourself a Tim Hortons donut. This tip works similarly
to #1. I
know it can be difficult to force yourself to eat a
donut— especially if it's something like Boston
Cream, chocolate glazed or kiwi lime but exercise some
self-discipline—remember, this is your health we're
talking about!
5. Watch The Trailer
Park Boys: Countdown to Liquor Day. For the endorphins,
which recent studies show enhance the immune system,
relieve pain, reduce stress and increase well-being.
It's impossible to watch this movie with a straight
face—from Randy's markered head to the boys' home
made security office uniforms when they try to rob a
bank, the final TPB offering is a laugh riot. For increased
flu-fighting potential eat a donut or several fun-size
chocolate bars during your viewing.
6. Build/purchase a robot
to pick things (which may be contaminated with flu germs)
up for you, open doors (which may be contaminated with
flu germs) and shake hands (which may be contaminated
with flu germs) on your behalf.
This is the twenty-first century and where are the flying
cars already? But if we can't have the soaring cars,
at least let's get going with the robots. If you're
not very good with technical matters yourself, and are
therefore unable to construct your own robot, contact
your local community college and get one of the tech
students to whip you up one on the cheap, right now
before they graduate and their robot design prices go
through the roof. Be sure not to buy a Terminator, though,
particularly if you happen to be John Connor or someone
close to him.
7. Customize your
dart board by covering it with Prime Minister Stephen
Harper's face. The
space between his eyes should serve as the bull's eye,
of course. Again for the endorphins. We really want
to keep that immune system bolstered!
8. Go trick or treating
this Halloween, no matter your age. When you've
been around for decades, like I have, you might not
think you can go trick of treating any more. Won't the
neighbours shun you or maybe even call the cops? No,
see they won't have any clue it's you! Just get yourself
some kind of goofy face mask. Kids are tall these
days, I figure as long as you're not over six foot three,
you're good to go. If you're taller than that, I do
recommend you hunch over (maybe wear a costume that
supports a hunched over personna). The money you spend
on your costume will pay itself back in candy later
in the evening and you can find out which of your neighbours
give out the really good stuff and write yourself a
reminder to drop by their house again next Halloween.
9. If you're a writer,
spend your time inside your abode staring lovingly at
your newest book instead of going out
into the world where swine flu lurks everywhere.
If you're in the middle of penning a new novel, you
can just gaze loving at that on your laptop screen.
If you're not a writer but are an avid reader,
stare at your own favourite book(s) and/or reread them.
If you don't enjoy reading quite possibly you already
have H1N1—I mean, clearly something's wrong with
you, how can you not enjoy reading!
10. If you absolutely
must leave the house to pick up supplies (like the Escape
from Bug Island game and Tim Hortons donuts) Buy yourself
a Stephen Harper mask this Halloween. People
will stay away from you in droves (and therefore, so
will the H1N1 germs), especially if you offer to sing
Beatles tunes for them. Of course this only works within
Canada. Outside our borders limited knowledge about
our nation will render this defense useless. Also, in
certain ridings, particularly those with a decidedly
leftwing bent, people may feel compelled to throw rotting
fruit and other assorted items at you but don't worry,
they still won't want to get close and will be tossing
from a distance, leaving you untainted by the swine
flu microbe. In the United States, a possible substitute
option is a Sarah Palin mask.
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