October 4, 2010

Stephen Harper, Prince of Darkness

I know that not all of you will be surprised by what I'm about to say—that some of my fellow Canadians have suspected for quite awhile now that there's something not quite right about our current Prime Minister, Stephen Harper. He possesses a startling amount of contempt for democracy, the arts, and the unemployed and the poor and doesn't even feel the need to conceal it. He also continually displays a complete lack of regard for the environment.

All of this makes sense when you know the truth, which is that Stephen Harper is a prince of darkness who will feed on Canadian democracy until it's no more. At that stage, one of his trusted minions will ship him off in a crate to some other apathetic country that doesn't have the will to defy him. As a vampire, Stephen requires no oxygen or water and is therefore not concerned with environmental damage caused by the mining of the Alberta Tar Sands or the cutting down of the Boreal Forest. This also explains why he doesn't support the long-gun registry. Unless you use silver bullets, firearms are no threat to him.

In fact, Stephen Harper's real name is Stephane Harperoux. Baron Stephane Harperoux left France at the onset of the French revolution in 1789 and has been feeding on democracy around the globe ever since. It's likely that his true identity would have been discovered much sooner if not for the extremely uncharismatic persona Stephane's adopted (most notable in his staid haircut and monotone voice).

But now, with Halloween coming up, you have the opportunity to personally validate my claims about Stephane Harperoux because every October 31st at the stroke of midnight there is one full minute during which Harperoux is powerless to conceal his true identity. At that time you will observe something like the photograph below, one I snapped at 24 Sussex Drive in Ottawa last Halloween before security ushered me out of the Prime Minister's residence in Ottawa.

I attempted to free Harperoux's cats before exiting the scene but they showed no interest in leaving. I hear Stephane actually treats them rather well and shows more respect for them than he does for his fellow Canadians. I urge you all to give this matter serious thought. Harperoux may well take good care of the nation's cats but the rest of us are not in good hands!

As an aside, I realize this news about Stephen Harper may disturb some people who have bought into popular culture's depiction of vampires as attractive and mesmerizing. Life might be like a box of chocolates but it's not like True Blood, The Vampire Diaries or Twilight!

Vive la liberté! Let's ditch this bloodsucker.

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